By No Means Easy...

It's as easy as pushing a tractor up a slide - a challenge, but it can be done

Lawrie is two and a half years old, he's happy (most of the time), cuddly (a lot of the time), loving (when I haven't told him 'no') and playful... he is also a toddler. Any parent of a toddler will understand the trials and tribulations of raising a little being that hangs (almost) on your every word and mimics your behaviour - as it happens, it turns out I have some pretty bad habits!

I'm not the most patient person you could ever wish to meet, although since Lawrie was born, I like to think that I am far more tolerant. On the other hand, it could be that I don't have enough time or mental capacity to deal with the small annoyances that riled me up when I was younger. Lawrie has taught me patience that I never thought I would have. I can ride the wave of his tantrums (mostly), clean up after his mess and build the wooden train track with every piece of track he has (and take multiple attempts at it) and this patience is because he is my world. It seems that it has become a learned behaviour to me.

There are times when I just don't feel motherly, and when this happens, I seem to step through a minefield of guilt. Guilt because I should be spending every minute I have with my son, when he is not with his childminder, on him - but the truth be told, sometimes all I want to do is to press that fast-forward button to when he has gone to bed and I get to kick back for a few hours or grab an early night. But you know what...? It's okay. I'm not just a mother, I'm also the same person I was before he was born, just with more responsibilities.

I, along with every other parent that feels this overwhelming sense of guilt about not spending every waking minute with our babies, need to remember that although life becomes full of routine and responsibilities, sometimes we need to break free just for a few hours.

My little boy is my life - I spend four days at home with him and work three full days whilst he is with the childminder. The days where we are 'stuck' at home with little to do, are the days I seem to wish to end - they are the longest. They are the days where he gets bored - I can't say I blame him, and we tend to head out of the house at least two of the four days, but on the days we don't... oh boy. His dad works in retail, so his hours are sporadic, making family life somewhat chaotic in terms of our routine. But for now, it works. It is bloody hard work, but it works.

So, I guess this post serves no other purpose than to reassure myself that although I am not a perfect mother, (as no mother is), and no matter how tough days can be, at the end of it all he is the most precious thing in my life and could not be more loved.

Over and out, for now.

L